I think a funny thing to say, when the check-out clerk at the grocery store asks you if you want paper or plastic, is “cold, hard steel.” Then you just stand there, acting like you don’t know what the problem is.
My kid asked me, “Dad, where do babies come from?” So I told him all about the baby factory, and how it was hard, dangerous work, and how the mean capitalist bosses made people work in terrible conditions with low pay and no benefits, and also how the workers had to go on strike all the time to protest their poor working conditions, only to find themselves out on the street when their jobs were outsourced to the Far East. He seemed fairly satisfied with that answer, until I told him about how most of those factories in the Far East were actually dissident slave-labor camps.
Here’s a cool idea for suicide bombers: Just before you’re about to detonate yourself, start clutching at your stomach and say, “Man oh man! I’ve been eating WAY too much junk food lately!” And then, kaboom!
If Superman owned a toaster, I bet it would be a really, really big, heavy, powerful toaster, one that could perfectly toast hundreds of slices of bread at once, without even working up a sweat.
Deeper and Thoughtier…
If I had a million dollars, the first thing I’d do is go out and buy myself a great big triple-scoop ice cream cone. I wouldn’t actually eat the ice cream because I’m lactose-intolerant and it would make me double over in excruciating pain, but just think, there I’d be — standing there with that big ice cream cone, and a million dollars.
If it doesn’t rain on your wedding day, is that “anti-ironic”?
Deepest… Thoughts… Ever…
Do you remember seeing commercials on TV that tried to explain a statistic by using an analogy that is completely unrelated? Something like, “500,000 people are killed or injured by drunk driving related accidents. Do you know that’s enough mayonnaise jars to fill three football stadiums!?!?” And you think to yourself, “Wow, that’s a lot of mayonnaise.”
The Bottomless Pit of Thoughts…
Accepting the award for World’s Smartest Chimpanzee, Bubbles said, “Eeegh! Eeeegh!” and then proceeded to urinate on the podium.
The crowd didn’t seem particularly impressed, some going so far as to say, “Why are we giving Bubbles the award this year?” Indeed, the previous year’s winner had given a long, well-prepared speech on relative intelligence levels among different primate species, which had later been published in Nature. A bitter controversy ensued, during which it was determined that Bubbles had used profits from his private aerospace engineering firm to bribe several judges. As a result of the scandal, several members of the Awards Committee were asked to step down — but public confidence in the committee’s integrity was profoundly shaken.
In a single atom, in one of its tiny quarks, deep, deep, way down, and deeper still, inside the atom is another atom, which is just one minuscule piece of a molecule, which is one of many billions of tiny cells which in turn make up one of your fingernails, which is one of billions of fingernails on Earth, which is one of a gigantic number of celestial bodies – which are all in the single atom we started out with. It’s a good idea to remember this, just in case a child asks you where fingernails come from.